Media, Tech

Netflix, You Whore

Over the years Netflix has been good to me. It has facilitated my pilgrimage through some of TV’s greatest shows: The Wire, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Mad Men. It taught me that networks and original air dates mean nothing. I could watch my shows in 7 hour blocks hungover on a Sunday afternoon. Netflix also brought me some of the best the big screen has to offer: The DepartedSaving Sarah Marshall (don’t sleep), among many others.

Lately though I’ve lost respect for Netflix because they let me take such wild advantage of them. Their lost disc policies make life so easy for me that it makes the company unattractive to me. I’m accident prone, heavy handed and flat out irresponsible with the discs that they send me. But as long as the $19.99 auto debit clears my checking account every month they don’t care. So what if an alarming amount of discs sent to my house go missing? Have some goddamn respect for yourself, Netflix.

My initial breaking point: After 10 minutes into The Blind Side, I was pissed to realize I had already seen the movie when it was called Dangerous Minds with Michell Pfeifer. I had also just paid $15 to see the exact same movie in 3D but without football and the people from Michael Oher’s childhood had blue skin and road around on dinosaur birds. With all this anger bottled up, I ejected the movie from my PS3. As I sat holding my Bic Multipurpose Lighter to the disc I began to panic. In my fury I had forgotten that the disc I was melting belonged to Netflix. I was so embarrassed that I had let that horrible film revert me to barbaric acts that I did something I vowed I’d never do…I went online and I lied. I selected the option that the disc had never reached my house. And you know what Netflix did? Nothing. The whores kept sending me discs.

This led to a downward spiral of treating Netflix like dirt. Every terrible movie I stumbled upon; Couples Retreat, Cop Out, etc.; I would destroy in anger and then lie to Netflix about the events that led to the crimes.

The more I took advantage, the more I realized that I’m not the only one taking advantage of Netflix. If this monstrous trend continues Hulu will represent the future of movie rentals. Netflix, you’re better than that. Next time I claim that a Sandra Bullock movie or anything with Jennifer Anniston “Never Arrived”, call me on it.