Babysitting… Play By Play

Let’s paint you the picture first. (Also, play by play is from Scott and Kyle)

5 people involved. (All names are changed to protect anonymity).

    1) Wendi – The mother of the baby who is leaving to go to a martial arts class with her husband. She is from the South, wonderful, and all around pretty cool. She loves Bud Light.
    2) The baby – a girl baby. Maybe 5 weeks or so old… Give or take a few.
    3) Scott – 36 yr old gentleman. Good guy. Enjoys booze and hanging out with babies.
    4) Kyle – 26 yr old single guy. Enjoys adult beverages and having a good time.
    5) Wii – 29 yr old girl, married happily. Very cool and the designated driver for the evening.

    Wendi decides to ask Wii, Scott, and Kyle to babysit for 2 hours while she handles her martial arts stuff. Wii, Scott and Kyle agree…

    7PM – arrive at Wendi’s. Downstairs smells great. Upstairs smells like hot garbage. Wii takes the baby out of her cage while Kyle and I raid the fridge. Two beers and string cheese acquired.

    7:03PM – Wii makes the baby cry. This beer is getting low. Eastbound and Down is on. Treats.

    7:04PM – kyle’s turn to hold the baby. It stops crying. A rainbow appears in the sky. Wii is now on beer duty. Also, the baby seems to have gotten a rash in the last four minutes.

    7:06PM – kyle is afraid of the rash.

    7:08PM – baby is crying again

    7:10PM – scott gets to hold baby. Baby looks like she is pooping and it sounds like it. Not confirmed. He is teaching baby how to dougie. Baby’s rash looks like it is getting worse. Baby cries again. Baby doesn’t like scott from the amount of crying.

    7:13PM – debate between Wii, scott and kyle on if it is ethical to start cooking some of mom’s hot pockets.

    7:14PM – Wii grabs baby. Baby is still crying. Wii starts bouncing the baby and baby stops crying.

    7:17PM – baby is still crying so it’s obvious that Scott wasn’t the issue. Wii goes downstairs to see if the baby peed herself. I vote yes. Kyle is rifling through the kitchen. Sounds like it’s Hot Pocket time.

    7:26PM; Lean Pockets! Mama is apparently trying to drop some lbs. Kyle microwaved them and scott can’t eat his because he has the baby in his arms. The baby seems gassy and the lean pockets compliment the fat tires quite well.

    7:34PM; kyle finishes 2nd beer and lean pocket. Baby apparently just pooped and is tired. Scott smells poop and does NOT like it. Wii goes downstairs to change the diaper.

    7:35PM – a cry of disgust from wii as she opens the bag of used indian food. Laughter eminates from the living room.

    7:40PM – out onto the porch so wii can handle that business in peace. Starting to consider the afterparty.

    7:54PM – baby woke up. Scott is trying to burp the baby. Baby is trying to eat his face. Still smells like poop. Baby has the hiccups because scott keeps trying to burp the baby. Personally I don’t think the baby is happy. Rash spread to her neck. Baby headbutted scott numerous times and still has hiccups. Baby looks furious.

    7:59PM – Kyle has the baby, who screamed during the handoff. I think she likes his soft, feminine skin. He hasn’t yet figured out that he’s going to rashy tomorrow and that’s fun. Side note – out of beer and have been for a while.

    8:02PM – baby just ripped an audible, rolling fart. Kyle’s face lit up like it was Christmas morning. All of us are VERY proud.

    8:12PM; baby still has hiccups. That officially sucks. I feel bad. Mom just called to ask if we wanted food on her way home. I told her about the lean pockets and beers; she was fine with it.

    8:18PM – the baby is asleep. Win.